Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind. When the world seems like it’s out to get you. The laundry baskets are full again. The sink is full of dishes. The fridge is empty. Your realize none of your clothes fit anymore. It’s a really bad hair day. You have tons of work to do and no time to do it. The kids didn’t sleep the night before and now they are just crabby. And you are crabby. You take your sleep-deprived frustrations out on your kids and your husband, which then makes you feel even worse because you know it’s not their fault.
I spent the whole morning feeling sorry for myself. Telling myself that I’m a terrible wife, mom, businesswoman, and person. I tried to shake it. I even went for a walk before my hubby went to work to try and clear my head and to try and get some of those happy exercise endorphins flowing. You know, because like Elle Woods says, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people just don’t shoot their husbands.” (I know I’m not the only Legally Blonde fan out there 🙂 ).
The walk didn’t change my mood like I was hoping. Hubby went off to work, feeling guilty for leaving me in my sorry state (which made me feel even worse), and I kept trying to better my mood. I folded and put away 3 baskets of laundry. I did the dishes. I meal planned and grocery shopped. I changed all the sheets. I played with the kids. I answered some emails. I cooked and then cleaned up toys and vacuumed up the crumbs. By the end of the day, I was feeling better. “Ok, I can do this”, I thought. The house was clean and functioning again, the boys got a nice long bath, and my oldest went to sleep without any issues. I was good. Now, all I needed to do was get the baby to bed. I’d get an hour of work in and then have some much needed me-time. I had some wine, a magazine, and a book calling my name. At the end of a long day, it was just what I needed to unwind. Then, after (hopefully) getting some sleep, tomorrow would be better.
But, the baby decided he wasn’t tired. Again. He doesn’t sleep much these days. So, for the next 3 hours, I proceeded to fight with a tired, cranky baby. Trying everything I could think of to get him to sleep. Nursed him, rocked him, sang to him, bounced him, cuddled with him, I even just gave up at one point and let him crawl around-hoping he would get himself tired. None of it worked. And all of a sudden, I was defeated again. Feeling sorry for myself. Hating my husband for being at work, my son for not sleeping, and then myself for feeling that way about them. I longingly glanced at the wine and reading material that was taunting me, and I was almost ready to cry (and I’m not a crier). “How am I supposed to get any work done with a kid that won’t sleep?”, I asked myself. “Is a couple hours of me-time after the kids go to bed too much to ask for?”. “I’m such a terrible wife, mom, businesswoman, and person.”
Finally, around 11 pm he ended up falling asleep. And there I was – defeated and feeling sorry and sad for myself. Knowing I should just go to bed, since most likely he would be up again at 3 am. But, I just couldn’t. I was craving that relaxation time. That me-time. So, I poured the wine, finished reading my Click magazine, and then decided to open up the book. I used to love to read. When I was a kid, my Mom would yell at me in the car because I always had my head in a book and never looked out at the world around me. The library was my happy place. As an adult, I continued to love reading. Even after I became a mom for the first time, I would try to fit in reading. Usually, it was on my lunch break at work or after my son was in bed. Then, my Maxwell was born and I decided to become a work-at-home mom. There was no longer a separation between home and work. My busy life now got in the way of my reading time. My me-time. I realized last night that this is the first book I opened since having him 16 months ago. I even have a Nicholas Sparks’ book (my favorite) that I got as a Christmas gift still sitting untouched.
It felt good to read again. I felt like me again. Not me – the mom, wife, nurse, or photographer – but me, the girl who used to love to read. Thank you to my good friend, Virginia from The Good Life Photography, who somehow knew that I needed this book. That I needed to read those words. That I needed a reason to carve out that me-time I was craving. I was up till 2 am reading. And it was totally worth the lack of sleep.
Today, I feel better. I don’t feel like I’m failing at life. I don’t hate my kids or my husband. Thank you, Shonda. Not only for Grey’s Anatomy (one of my other me-time guilty pleasures), but thank you for this book, Year of Yes. I’m only halfway through, but it’s already made a huge difference for me. I’m making some changes in my life, one of them being making sure to get some me-time EVERY day. To go to my happy place. Even if it’s not until 11 pm. Because I need it. I need quiet time. I need to read again. I need to do something just for me every day. I can’t wait to dig in and read again tonight. With my wine. No matter what time my little guy decides to fall asleep.
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